Nothing makes me happier than depressed orphans.

Sorry its been awhile, folks! It's been busy, that is for sure! But I have a spectacular NO for you today.

So I'm cruising around on facebook and one of the side ads is for an LDS humanitarian project. I click on the link on come across this shiny gem of failure.

Now. Let us analyze. Note the very happy white girl that probably shelled out a lot of money for this trip. LoOk HoW hApPy ShE iS!!

Next, we note small child on left hand side. Do you see how miserable this kid looks? Downright pissed even, with a dash of despair that her life will never improve. Last but not least. On the right hand side we have the kid whose mouth is hanging open while his face is covered in sand.

If you don't understand why this is so damn hilarious, then shame on you!

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Good quotes this week:

"The only thing she had going for her was opposable thumbs." from yours truly.

Good luck on finals everyone!

How DOES the world survive without my quick-witted brand of sassy?

Well hullabaloo there folks! Its not like I have abandoned this blog, I think about it a couple times a day. Just nothing funny has happened since I threw up a cheeseburger back in July. A few quick updates:

I have moved out of my parents basement and into my own apartment with ONE awesome roommate. However, I am still trying to adjust to natural sunlight.

I am now said roommates bored housewife. I actually fricking made home made biscuits two nights ago. Add a large amount of crafting, and pretty much I am in school to get an MRS degree now.

Now, to deviate from the usual humor, I have a few thoughts/rants/observations I would like to shout out.

Why is it so hard for us to see in ourselves what we so clearly see in others?
I consider myself a pretty observant person, and can read people fairly well. It is because of this that I SO love going to the Gold's gym sauna around 1030. Just the other day, as I was passing the hot tub, whose guy to girl ratio is usually 7 tools to 1 skanky hoe, I had quite the chuckle. As I am filling up my water bottle, I hear these bits of conversation from one of the tools that sounded something like this:
'Yeah, she was always the one to get physical, you know? She was pretty aggressive, and I was like, whoa. We have all the time in the world. I just don't understand that about girls. I always find the ones that want to get physical.'
Skanky hoe: too mentally deprived to string words into coherent speech patterns. Thought process probably something like 'Poor baby, I can kiss it bet-OOOH! something shiny. My boobs look great in this top.'

I laughed and mentioned it to my roommate. I mean, its an OBVIOUS pickup conversation. Or, even better, the one in the parking lot. A girl and guy are talking and its clear the guy is trying to ask her out and she uses the 'I'm really busy in my life right now' card. If this is ever used by a girl, I think its pretty standard what that means. DANGER, WILL ROBINSON. It means, 'Yeah, you're totally not my type and unless I go through some horrific plane crash that completely shreds my face apart leaving no traces of who I once was, you will never be my type/ I will never find you attractive.'

My roommate has confirmed that I am right in my observations. So how is it that I cannot take a step back and observe my own life rationally. When am I reading things too seriously? When am I taking something serious and throwing it to the side as casual remark or a joke? When others say that yes, we are indeed meant for each other, are they saying it because I want to hear it, or to shut me up, or because they are as tuned into my relationships as I am theres?

I am really concerned about the mating habits of chickens*...

Well hello there! Many adventures have occured over the last few days. Let us start on wednesday. FYI: I have dubbed this the Chris Merritt Adventure weekend**

So, on Wednesday, DC Encore was in town, and hell yes I'm going to drive up to Ogden to see Calvin! What was in my stereo the entire time? Chris Merritt's Pixie and The Bear albums. A very nice way to drive 2 hours.

So, I met up with Charlotte and we enjoy some FANTASTIC Drum Corps performances. I am sorry to say that I thought Vna Guard was better than the Blue Devils, but Calvin doesn't read this so I think I'm ok.

So from here it's on to Charlotte's in Logan, while still listening to Chris Merritt. Let me put it this way: if we drove ANYWHERE! we were listening to Chris. At the last minute, we decided to go camping with Lauren. This is where the real fun starts.

We pull in listening to Dance Karate and Lauren starts her jeep listening to the same thing. She decides on a particular spot on the otherside of town up a mountain. ONWARD WE GO! As we are driving up this cow-infested, mutated hillbilly killer mountain, The Long Road is playing. We get to the top of the windy, bumpy, nasty road and by this time I have a headache and Im exhausted. Leaving at 9pm didn't help this at all.

So she figures out that there isn't any good camping spots up this road, so we turn around, drive all the way back down the nasty, bumpy windy mountain, across town, and then so far up the nasty winding Logan canyon that we were roughly 20 minutes from Bear Lake. Since there were about 3 turn-offs that were extremely long, I found it funny that every time we took one, The Long Road was playing.

At this point, we have made it through her CD twice. I am a litte grumpy, extremely motion sick, exhausted and ready to be done. Finally, I calmly look at Lauren and say "can you pull over so I can throw up?"

She does so, and I proceed to throw up so violently*** that Charlotte and Lauren are discussing taking me to the hospital. I, however, have never felt better. What was on the stereo? The Long Road.

Chris, if you're reading this, I love you and your tuneage, but I never want to hear that song again.****

I know this isn't as hilarious as Charlotte and Lauren were expecting, but consider it an update that you haven't had in awhile. I am still waiting for an update from Ryan about his love interest. Stay tuned!

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*This post has nothing to do with the mating habits of chickens. It was just a funny quote.

** technically not the weekend. It lasted wed-fri.

***The Cajun Chicken Sandwhich from Logan City's Beehive Grill tastes like Carl's Jrs Chili Cheese fries. However, it also tastes exactly the same coming up as it does going down.

**** Chris, this actually means please play it the next time you are in Provo, and think of me when you do so.

Ring check, table 13?

Ah. Love. It is wonderful, isn't it? That dizzy headed, upset stomach feeling that makes you walk around with a ridiculous smile on your face. Me, it has been awhile, I will admit. But, No-ers, we are on Ryan Ring Watch right now.

Ryan, our single, studly bachelor from Provo has a new lucky lady in his life right now. And with love in his heart, and a twinkle in his eye, he told me all about her.

"I don't know her. I've never carried on a conversation with her except 'that will be 4 dollars, here's your receipt.' And her name is Julie."

Ah....Hmmm.

This tale only gets better! He was going to leave her a yellow rose today, but has forgotten the ring check, ladies and gentlemen. GASP! This love affair could get ugly and one sided! Will it end well? (At the very least, 4 bucks for a meal is pretty sweet...)

Stay tuned to see if this turns into your run-of-the-mill Boy meets Girl story, or if it strays into wild and adulterous! Until next time...

Can I get a side of WTF?

Now I understand the purpose of mothers. They are there to monitor your sugar intake. Not that mine does, I mean, I am a grown adult. So, is it no surprise that when the only liquids i consume are Dr Pepper, Coke and Pink Lemonade that my dreams might take a hilarious turn?

Those who follow me know that I have blogged my dreams a few times before. But this, my friends, win.

Night 1: Imagine the plot of Angels and Demons, but with the cast of Harry Potter. Quite interesting. And instead of looking for the Preferiti, we were looking for Dumbledore.

Night 2: I was Bella Cullen, and my Uncle Jackie knocked on the door completely hyped on crystal meth. But Esme and I were the only ones home, so we tried to yell for the Cullen Children but they were on their honeymoon camping. (Why a single Edward was there without me, I don't know.) So we tried to yell at them to come save me, but they couldn't hear. It was actually kind of scary!

Well. We will see where tonights adventures in dreamland might take me. Stay tuned No-ers!

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"Do I look like a straight girl to you?!?" Keldy

"Two guys and a fire? Sounds a little Brokeback Mountain to me." Jacqui

"Why do you want me to go camping with you?!" Jacqui
"...Cause he wants to get in your sleeping bag!" Me

Bad things happen when you skip church...

Well, today Allie and I decided to sluff church (and, for me, stake conference) and just take a day off. So we headed to the mall on my way to feed Mortimer Schnerd to see Jaqui and drop off the frosty I owe her for cutting my hair. After finding two pairs of Etnies that I can wear to work for a total of 30 bucks, we headed up to Spencer's to find the game Dirty Minds. (Q: What is a four letter word for a woman ending in "unt"?)*

While we were there, some curly headed kid was helping Allie find it and I headed over and started talking to them. SOMEHOW! the subject of dating 18 year olds came up and, most specifically, he was talking to me. I laughed in his face and told him that my brothers were around his age and it would just be awkward and I don't date little kids. He was like "I am just as good as any other guy, though!"
So in my abrasive, dickish way I said "No...no you're not. But nice try though. Don't give up, it will come to you." Then I mentioned that I liked his Jew-Fro and we parted ways while Allie and I continued to look around. As we were leaving he yelled out "Thanks for coming in! And" (While staring at me) "thanks for the burns, I think I need someone to rub in some ointment on those abrasions!"
I responded with "You have two hands. Rub it yourself."

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*A: Aunt. You pervert!

I got 13 of my 26 chromosomes from this guy?!

Well, my parents are in Oregon this week. Without me. My parentals decided to take a trip to walmart and I am ashamed to admit that my father has made it onto the sweetheart no list... again. (The first was when he wore camo shorts and a tank top to the buffet.)

This is the picture of my dad riding a banana seat bicycle through the store BEFORE he put on the Hannah Montana helmet.