Jenna...No.

Why Prof. Fish is the shit

2011-04-09T12:03:00.000-07:00

There is a backstory to this.

This is revenge for Rick embarassing me in front of the ENTIRE class. We were flipping each other shit one day and there was something under his podium that he kept stepping on. After my last snarky remark, he finally picked up whatever it was that was bugging him under the podium and handed it to me. There must have been a health class right before we used the room, because it was a white balloon that had the word "sperm" written on it. He just handed it to me and walked away. I'm pretty sure it was only the 3rd time in my life I had ever blushed.

Professor Fish's lectures are holy. The man knows so much stuff, it's insane, and his lectures are always super interesting. Most of the time, I would stop taking notes and just listen. On this particular day, he got really into his lecture and kind of zoned out and started acting out something regarding inflation in post-ww1 Germany that required him to mimic someone carrying a wheelbarrow full of money. So I pulled out my cell phone and recorded this awkward tribal dance. When he caught me, he reacted in thusly.

(And this is why I love Rick)

Happy Valentine's Day. Keep it in Your Pants.

2011-02-12T13:17:00.001-08:00

Spring is in the air, ladies and gentlemen. The sun is shining, the air smells sweet, the flowers are blooming, and people are birthing. It seems that everyone around me is pregnant. It's pissing me off.
Now, some of you might think that I sound bitter because I'm not married to some douchey-looking blond freak, pregnant, and juggling a mortgage. I assure you, I am not. Why? Because I hate children.

OK, that's not entirely true. I think children are adorable. It's the parents I can't stand. We live in a time where we aren't supposed to beat children mercilessly nigh until death, and I'm (mostly) OK with that. But I think some parents should be shot. I'm not talking about abusive parents, no, there is a special hell for those people. The parents I'm talking about are the ones who let their children scream to high heaven in Wal-Mart while everyone else around them is bleeding from the ears. I'm talking about the parents who let their children bang together spoons and plates at my favorite Chinese restaurant and, when the kids start crying because they aren't allowed to bang on the fish tank that's right next to my head anymore, they give their kid another spoon. I'm talking about the parents who are RIGHT BEHIND ME as I'm typing this. They just came into the library on campus while I'm trying to hammer out 5 (yes, FIVE) mid-term papers (it's a departmental conspiracy against me. Post to come.) and set up their base camp right behind me. All three children are now logged into three different computers and entertained by whatever entertains them on the internet for 4 seconds- until their ADHD kicks in and they start running up and down the aisles and knocking into me. Now, I understand that a lot of parents are juggling school and kids and all that (Hey, sorry you couldn't figure out your life beforehand, truly) and that's admirable.

But what really pisses me off is that these parents seem to be completely ignorant of the resources around them. For example, twenty feet to my right is a room for PARENTS WHO HAVE THEIR CHILDREN WITH THEM AND NEED TO STUDY! It's complete with toys, games, puzzles, and even a HUGE selection of movies, along with computers for the parents who need them to do their homework. There is also a daycare facility on campus with seriously discounted rates. So, someone, please explain to me why there are three loud, obnoxious little shits sitting behind me right now?

There is another set of parents on campus that really irritate me. I see them all the time. She just had a baby, a preemie too. Unfortunately, he's not very cute. Looks like an eggplant. This isn't the point. The point is WHY THEY HELL IS YOUR BABY GOING TO CLASSES WITH YOU?!? Also. I understand she's a new mom. But it seems to me that it's pretty much common knowledge that bathrooms have stalls. And they're private. And no one has X-Ray vision. So, could ya maybe, pretty please, BREAST FEED YOUR GOD DAMNED KID IN THE BATHROOM instead of in the hallway where EVERYONE can see your tit hanging out? People, I'm not making this up. She didn't have a blanket covering her, she just had her t-shirt lifted. (A nursing blanket in the hallway is acceptable. I still find nursing in public disgusting, but this is an alternative. I know whats happening under there, but I can't see it. It's the same principle as machanically separated chicken. Delicious, but I don't need to see the process.)

So, with Valentine's Day coming up, please. Keep it in your pants and don't procreate anymore unless you have the necessary skills to raise a child without pissing me off. (It sounds difficult, but let me give you the criteria: Don't let your child out of the house until its a fully formed, functioning adult that can carry an intelligent conversation.)

____________________________________________________________________________________

"What do you think it is? Boy or girl?" -Me
"I think it's Chinese." Steve, the happy, soon-to-be father of my co-workers baby.

Rosa Parks an get back on the bus!

2011-02-04T15:18:00.000-08:00

Hello all! It's been some time. I've been super busy lately and unable to entertain you with my hilarious stories. I don't really have much of one today, but a friend showed me this video earlier that I have t share with you. Count it as your tube Tuesday video, only, you know...it's Friday. Oh. You didn't know that? Well, crawl out from under your rock and watch this. It reminds me of Tracy.

Copycat Copyright

2010-12-27T19:49:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has spent a good amount of time in Utah knows that this is the place for copying and paroding (paroding? paryoding? parody-ing? Whatever.) others. Usually when Utah takes a song and turns it into some sort of "it's funny because it's true!" parody, it doesn't end well. But I've seen a couple videos lately that came out of BYU that I thought were absolutely hilarious. Like the New Spice commercial.

Now. This next one is only funny if you've A. Lived in Utah long enough to realize this is true or B... nope. This is only when it's funny. To those who have not lived in Utah long enough, or are not experienced with BYU culture, this is not funny. In fact, it is outright frightening. And I assure you, every word is true. Provo, UT girls really do act like this. And dress like this. I'm not sure which is scarier.

Enjoy!

Also! For those of you who remember my love for infommercials, I want the Robo-Stir.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know, you could have just aborted me."
"We tried, but the only time you've ever been active in your life were those 9 months you spent dodging that damn coat hanger."- My father. (Remember him? The guy on the bike?)

Hipsters

2010-12-14T18:30:00.000-08:00

So, this is a really old subject to be talking about, but I haven't updated my blog in awhile and I really wanted something to talk about. And so, I've picked hipsters. I have to say, I get really tired of listening to people name off all these obscure bands and talk about how "awesomely awesome" they are, only to find out they suck. I mean absolutely awful stuff. Why don't you just put an accordion, a cancerous frog, a couple kittens, and some random nuts and bolts in a blender and throw it up on an 8 track- cause, ya know, vintage is cool and all that now. Besides, it seems like the vinyl phase* is out, so this is the only logical next step.

Which leads me to my first hipster joke: how do you piss off a hipster? You actually enjoy the music you listen to.

Now, if you find a band that IS completely awesome and they happen to be obscure, that's one thing. Every person should have that band. DCFC, the Riddlin Kids and the Low Millions (see what I dd there? I name dropped. +15 magical unicorn points for me.) are it for me. But when you breach the point where sacrifice great sound for "how many absolutely never-heard-of band points can I score in my mediocre life" well, then, you have a problem.

Which leads me into my next joke: how many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It's a really obscure number. I don't think you've ever heard of it before...

Which transitions me into my next point, and this is the granddaddy of them all. If, by hipster logic, the more obscure the band is, the better they are right? Well, now you're playing a folls' game. By the laws of hipster physics, this means that the greatest band in the world DOESN'T EXIST. And what's the point in that?

So, do me a favor and learn to accept other music on the radio. I mean, I know there is some really crappy stuff on there, but not all of it is bad. So stop making your ear drums bleed and listen to something actually worth listening to and that you actually enjoy. Remember: sometimes the "obscure" bands are obscure for a reason, and that reason is that they suck.

Also. I want you to know I was a hipster back before hipsters were cool.

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*I'm not dissing on vinyl. I love it, and it really is the best medium for music. I was just trying to make a point.

Snug-WOW!!

2010-10-28T08:11:00.000-07:00

I love infomercials. Most people like House, Lost or Desperate Housewives. Nope, I like infomercials. If I weren't terrified of identity theft and or my my mother, I would own a Slap-Chop with bonus Graty (Who doesnt want fettucine, linguini, martini, bikini?) and at least a dozen Sham-Wows, the things you put under your door to keep air out (I don't even pay the heating bill!) and the amazing bondage glue stuff.

But the thing I desire most is the Snuggie. The Snuggie is good for many things: Child abuse, looking absolutely retarded no matter if you're home OR out in public, and keeping warm. Lately, I've been thinking about investing in one for the car ride to work. It has all the benefits of a blanket, but I'll still have full use of my hands!! THAT'S AMAZING!

But mostly its just great for reenacting Star Wars.

So I give you Snuggie Wan Kanobi, the original owner.

(Silly Jedi. Youre wearing it backwards!)

But, Kevin over at Ailing Republic had this amazing idea. What if you combined the Snuggie with the Sham-Wow! stuff? I would never have to change my clothes again. It would be amazing!

So, if you're wondering what to get me for Christmas...reach deep into your closets and get me your old bathrobes!

Apparently it's not so apparent.

2010-05-10T08:58:00.000-07:00

ap·par·ent
–adjective
1.
readily seen; exposed to sight; open to view; visible

We have all had this conversation.

"Where is Jenna?"
"Apparently, she came down with the flu and isn't coming in to work today."

PEOPLE! If it were apparent, there would be a giant sign saying "Jenna is out sick with the flu."
Stop using this word incorrectly.

Ah, Spring!

2010-04-02T09:55:00.000-07:00

Well, its spring again, but in that fun Utah way we kind of just went from winter to summer. Not that I have a problem with that. But, with spring comes cute dresses, pastel colors, Easter and... man-capris?
I am here to talk about a serious pandemic, No-ers. Man capris. I hate them like I hate leggings, and...a lot of things. But nothing (at least that I can think of right now) is as bad as man capris.

Don't know what I'm talking about? They are lon shorts that guys where that are tapered to fit snugly just above the knee, and often look like cut offs. Disgusting. I get how calves are supposed to be attractive, (not really) but these are just a no. Men should not be wearing anything tapered, unless its a 3 piece suit (and I loves me some three piece suit.) So please, DO NOT wear man capris. And don't give me the excuse that they are popular in Europe. You know what else is popular in Europe? Socialism. And over here that is about as popular as a pair of crutches in a polio ward. Please, for the love of all that is holy, throw away your cut off man capris. And you know what? If their cut offs, that means you have pants that are that tight also. Please do away with those also.

Also. Be sure to check out Ailing Republic if you like controversial places to debate stuff. This picture is for him.

"I would like a failure pile in a sadness bowl."

2010-03-30T14:09:00.000-07:00

Well, we all know I'm a facebook stalker. I was on my feed today and a friend of a friend posted this fun little video, and I am still not really sure why, but I thought it was hilarious.

So I check out more of this stuff, and I love it, especially Beer Run. Again, still not sure WHY this is funny, I just know that it made me laugh really hard as I sit here alone in my darkened apartment. Did I mention that I am alone? All I need is a cat and a KFC favorites bowl and I'm a Patton Oswalt skit.

In my personal life, not a whole lot going on here. Just school and trying to find a decent job. I am thinking of spending the summer out in Oregon to take a break. We'll see how that goes.
I'm sorry I don't really have any awesome stories for you guys.

Peace and Buh-lessins! Peace and Buh-lessins.

2010-01-26T17:20:00.000-08:00

TUBE TUESDAY IS BACK!

No-ers, there are no words. Yay for the defeat of racial stereotypes. Grab yourself some Kool-Aid and enjoy.

OH YEAH!!

Radio Edit

2010-01-06T21:12:00.000-08:00

I love music, you know this. I love my CDs, my mixes, my playlists, everything. I love my Zune because unlike the previous editions of the iPOD, it actually has a radio feature. This way when I get sick of everything I have, I can turn to the radio and listen to whatever "the Man" has chosen for me, and usually he does pretty well.

Lately, however, the Man has done me wrong. I hate most everything that is on the radio; it all sounds the same! Every song on the pop stations are some Jordan Sparxx sound alike or everything sounds like Daughtry. It doesn't help that I have never been a fan of either of these artists. So what happens when a half-decent song somehow squeezes past the mundane and gets on the airwaves? Some nice disc jockey takes a club to the repeat button and I hear a good song for a year straight. Its a really REALLY good thing I love Taylor Swift right not, otherwise I would have slit my throat with a radio tower by now.

So, to bring a little humor into this blog '0' rant, I threw this out to a couple of friends today, and both agreed that this is ridiculous. Do you want to know what I find hilarious about the radio? All of the commercials that tell you how commercial free the station is. Sorry my99.5. you have disproved your so-called commercial-free theory with your "commercial free" plug. So close, yet so far.

And that is the little bit of humor I have found in the world today.

Except for this. My new favorite website. Its everything I wish this blog to be, but never can. People of Wal-Mart is the hilarious website that just slashes the American redneck society like Wal-mart slashes prices. Please! Check it out!

______________________

"What do you mean Barnes and Noble doesn't have The Great Gatsby? It's a classic!" Me.
"I know. It's like a church not having a bible." Rachel

Nothing makes me happier than depressed orphans.

2009-12-10T09:59:00.001-08:00

Sorry its been awhile, folks! It's been busy, that is for sure! But I have a spectacular NO for you today.

So I'm cruising around on facebook and one of the side ads is for an LDS humanitarian project. I click on the link on come across this shiny gem of failure.

Now. Let us analyze. Note the very happy white girl that probably shelled out a lot of money for this trip. LoOk HoW hApPy ShE iS!!

Next, we note small child on left hand side. Do you see how miserable this kid looks? Downright pissed even, with a dash of despair that her life will never improve. Last but not least. On the right hand side we have the kid whose mouth is hanging open while his face is covered in sand.

If you don't understand why this is so damn hilarious, then shame on you!

_____________________

Good quotes this week:

"The only thing she had going for her was opposable thumbs." from yours truly.

Good luck on finals everyone!

How DOES the world survive without my quick-witted brand of sassy?

2009-10-10T23:29:00.000-07:00

Well hullabaloo there folks! Its not like I have abandoned this blog, I think about it a couple times a day. Just nothing funny has happened since I threw up a cheeseburger back in July. A few quick updates:

I have moved out of my parents basement and into my own apartment with ONE awesome roommate. However, I am still trying to adjust to natural sunlight.

I am now said roommates bored housewife. I actually fricking made home made biscuits two nights ago. Add a large amount of crafting, and pretty much I am in school to get an MRS degree now.

Now, to deviate from the usual humor, I have a few thoughts/rants/observations I would like to shout out.

Why is it so hard for us to see in ourselves what we so clearly see in others?
I consider myself a pretty observant person, and can read people fairly well. It is because of this that I SO love going to the Gold's gym sauna around 1030. Just the other day, as I was passing the hot tub, whose guy to girl ratio is usually 7 tools to 1 skanky hoe, I had quite the chuckle. As I am filling up my water bottle, I hear these bits of conversation from one of the tools that sounded something like this:
'Yeah, she was always the one to get physical, you know? She was pretty aggressive, and I was like, whoa. We have all the time in the world. I just don't understand that about girls. I always find the ones that want to get physical.'
Skanky hoe: too mentally deprived to string words into coherent speech patterns. Thought process probably something like 'Poor baby, I can kiss it bet-OOOH! something shiny. My boobs look great in this top.'

I laughed and mentioned it to my roommate. I mean, its an OBVIOUS pickup conversation. Or, even better, the one in the parking lot. A girl and guy are talking and its clear the guy is trying to ask her out and she uses the 'I'm really busy in my life right now' card. If this is ever used by a girl, I think its pretty standard what that means. DANGER, WILL ROBINSON. It means, 'Yeah, you're totally not my type and unless I go through some horrific plane crash that completely shreds my face apart leaving no traces of who I once was, you will never be my type/ I will never find you attractive.'

My roommate has confirmed that I am right in my observations. So how is it that I cannot take a step back and observe my own life rationally. When am I reading things too seriously? When am I taking something serious and throwing it to the side as casual remark or a joke? When others say that yes, we are indeed meant for each other, are they saying it because I want to hear it, or to shut me up, or because they are as tuned into my relationships as I am theres?

I am really concerned about the mating habits of chickens*...

2009-07-11T22:13:00.000-07:00

Well hello there! Many adventures have occured over the last few days. Let us start on wednesday. FYI: I have dubbed this the Chris Merritt Adventure weekend**

So, on Wednesday, DC Encore was in town, and hell yes I'm going to drive up to Ogden to see Calvin! What was in my stereo the entire time? Chris Merritt's Pixie and The Bear albums. A very nice way to drive 2 hours.

So, I met up with Charlotte and we enjoy some FANTASTIC Drum Corps performances. I am sorry to say that I thought Vna Guard was better than the Blue Devils, but Calvin doesn't read this so I think I'm ok.

So from here it's on to Charlotte's in Logan, while still listening to Chris Merritt. Let me put it this way: if we drove ANYWHERE! we were listening to Chris. At the last minute, we decided to go camping with Lauren. This is where the real fun starts.

We pull in listening to Dance Karate and Lauren starts her jeep listening to the same thing. She decides on a particular spot on the otherside of town up a mountain. ONWARD WE GO! As we are driving up this cow-infested, mutated hillbilly killer mountain, The Long Road is playing. We get to the top of the windy, bumpy, nasty road and by this time I have a headache and Im exhausted. Leaving at 9pm didn't help this at all.

So she figures out that there isn't any good camping spots up this road, so we turn around, drive all the way back down the nasty, bumpy windy mountain, across town, and then so far up the nasty winding Logan canyon that we were roughly 20 minutes from Bear Lake. Since there were about 3 turn-offs that were extremely long, I found it funny that every time we took one, The Long Road was playing.

At this point, we have made it through her CD twice. I am a litte grumpy, extremely motion sick, exhausted and ready to be done. Finally, I calmly look at Lauren and say "can you pull over so I can throw up?"

She does so, and I proceed to throw up so violently*** that Charlotte and Lauren are discussing taking me to the hospital. I, however, have never felt better. What was on the stereo? The Long Road.

Chris, if you're reading this, I love you and your tuneage, but I never want to hear that song again.****

I know this isn't as hilarious as Charlotte and Lauren were expecting, but consider it an update that you haven't had in awhile. I am still waiting for an update from Ryan about his love interest. Stay tuned!

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*This post has nothing to do with the mating habits of chickens. It was just a funny quote.

** technically not the weekend. It lasted wed-fri.

***The Cajun Chicken Sandwhich from Logan City's Beehive Grill tastes like Carl's Jrs Chili Cheese fries. However, it also tastes exactly the same coming up as it does going down.

**** Chris, this actually means please play it the next time you are in Provo, and think of me when you do so.

Ring check, table 13?

2009-06-25T23:48:00.000-07:00

Ah. Love. It is wonderful, isn't it? That dizzy headed, upset stomach feeling that makes you walk around with a ridiculous smile on your face. Me, it has been awhile, I will admit. But, No-ers, we are on Ryan Ring Watch right now.

Ryan, our single, studly bachelor from Provo has a new lucky lady in his life right now. And with love in his heart, and a twinkle in his eye, he told me all about her.

"I don't know her. I've never carried on a conversation with her except 'that will be 4 dollars, here's your receipt.' And her name is Julie."

Ah....Hmmm.

This tale only gets better! He was going to leave her a yellow rose today, but has forgotten the ring check, ladies and gentlemen. GASP! This love affair could get ugly and one sided! Will it end well? (At the very least, 4 bucks for a meal is pretty sweet...)

Stay tuned to see if this turns into your run-of-the-mill Boy meets Girl story, or if it strays into wild and adulterous! Until next time...

Can I get a side of WTF?

2009-06-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

Now I understand the purpose of mothers. They are there to monitor your sugar intake. Not that mine does, I mean, I am a grown adult. So, is it no surprise that when the only liquids i consume are Dr Pepper, Coke and Pink Lemonade that my dreams might take a hilarious turn?

Those who follow me know that I have blogged my dreams a few times before. But this, my friends, win.

Night 1: Imagine the plot of Angels and Demons, but with the cast of Harry Potter. Quite interesting. And instead of looking for the Preferiti, we were looking for Dumbledore.

Night 2: I was Bella Cullen, and my Uncle Jackie knocked on the door completely hyped on crystal meth. But Esme and I were the only ones home, so we tried to yell for the Cullen Children but they were on their honeymoon camping. (Why a single Edward was there without me, I don't know.) So we tried to yell at them to come save me, but they couldn't hear. It was actually kind of scary!

Well. We will see where tonights adventures in dreamland might take me. Stay tuned No-ers!

_____________________________________
"Do I look like a straight girl to you?!?" Keldy

"Two guys and a fire? Sounds a little Brokeback Mountain to me." Jacqui

"Why do you want me to go camping with you?!" Jacqui
"...Cause he wants to get in your sleeping bag!" Me

Bad things happen when you skip church...

2009-06-14T18:48:00.000-07:00

Well, today Allie and I decided to sluff church (and, for me, stake conference) and just take a day off. So we headed to the mall on my way to feed Mortimer Schnerd to see Jaqui and drop off the frosty I owe her for cutting my hair. After finding two pairs of Etnies that I can wear to work for a total of 30 bucks, we headed up to Spencer's to find the game Dirty Minds. (Q: What is a four letter word for a woman ending in "unt"?)*

While we were there, some curly headed kid was helping Allie find it and I headed over and started talking to them. SOMEHOW! the subject of dating 18 year olds came up and, most specifically, he was talking to me. I laughed in his face and told him that my brothers were around his age and it would just be awkward and I don't date little kids. He was like "I am just as good as any other guy, though!"
So in my abrasive, dickish way I said "No...no you're not. But nice try though. Don't give up, it will come to you." Then I mentioned that I liked his Jew-Fro and we parted ways while Allie and I continued to look around. As we were leaving he yelled out "Thanks for coming in! And" (While staring at me) "thanks for the burns, I think I need someone to rub in some ointment on those abrasions!"
I responded with "You have two hands. Rub it yourself."

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*A: Aunt. You pervert!

I got 13 of my 26 chromosomes from this guy?!

2009-06-14T12:45:00.000-07:00

Well, my parents are in Oregon this week. Without me. My parentals decided to take a trip to walmart and I am ashamed to admit that my father has made it onto the sweetheart no list... again. (The first was when he wore camo shorts and a tank top to the buffet.)

This is the picture of my dad riding a banana seat bicycle through the store BEFORE he put on the Hannah Montana helmet.

Its the reason you slap my nuts!

2009-06-09T21:46:00.000-07:00

You all know I am addicted to infomercials. Good heavens, two weeks ago I almost had the urge to buy a Jack La'Laine juicer. I don't juice.

But Vince with the Slap Chop? I love his nuts!

Check out your tube tuesday video.

And people, please comment, just so I know you're reading. I'm not a review whore or anything, but it would be appreciated.

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"Holy vagina!" Me, on the price of popcorn at the movie theatre.

So I was in my local sex store today...

2009-06-08T19:08:00.000-07:00

Today I decided to walk around Spanish Fork and check out all the shops on main street that I have always wanted to go in but never had the chance to. And Dirty Joe's happens to be on main street, and Allie is getting married (greatest excuse ever, right?) so I pop in to see what they had.Apparently today was a busy day for sexual encounters. There were like 3 or 4 couples in there...one of which was an EXTREMELY elderly couple.
I was torn between vomiting and giving them a fist bump. I hope my hips are still in place when I'm 197.
_____________________________________
"My woman will love my lovin'!" - Spencer, on foreplay

So, this moth attacked me...

2009-06-08T00:21:00.000-07:00

And I wrote a poem in its honor. Enjoy.

It is dark outside, old gross friend,so you take shelter in my home.
Your trusty head like a battering ram into my TV, and that one time you flittered by my shoulder.
EW EW EW!
Which is why you lie squished at the base of the desk,an old Reebok your downfall.
You gross, disgusting moth thing.
One of youur friends came in to avenge your death. He landed on my nose and made me scream like a girl.
Damn moth.He lies dead too.
Yeck. I am victorious!

_____________________________________________

"I would rather shoot myself!" -Spencer, on me saying that if we're not married by 37, we should get married.

takin the B-A-T outta basement!

2009-05-30T07:53:00.000-07:00

So, for the last couple days my brother has been nagging me to listen to the most original, clever, and funniest song he's heard in awhile. I finally did today, and I'm runing the risk of being late today to post this. Check it out.

(rated R of course.)

Quotes for the week:

"What kind of person would I be if I didn't say those things?" Me
"...A better one." Allie

"SQUIRREL PREVAILS!" Allie

"Where are we going?" Allie

(wow...apparently Allie is the only funny one this week.)

Crap, Merlin's Elixir, and Me!

2009-05-20T11:50:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm feeling a little sickly today, and the only thing that can make me feel better is, apparently, cheerleading movies ("Cheerleaders are dancers gone retarded), my monkey, Jackson, and my own sick sense of humor. So, I have decided to throw down two of my favorite past blogs, originally seen on facebook. Enjoy!

So, as most of you have heard (either by my complaints, or the trumpeting sound of me blowing my nose) I have had the she-cold from hell for the last few days. It WHAM-BAMMED me outta nowhere and is now headstrong on taking down my immunity system.

I dont do well with illnesses. I dont mind the flu, because usually it lasts 24 hours and throwing up tends to feel good if youve been nauseous all day. A head cold, however, is traumatizing. My ears hurts, my whole body aches, my nose is disgustingly stuffy, I can't sleep, I can't breathe I cant- ok, well, you get the picture. I essentially spend 4 days praying to the gods that they orgive me for whatever wrong I have committed.

Last night, however, I coudnt take it anymore. I hadnt slept in a couple days and the fact that I can only breathe comfortably out of my nose wasn't helping. I trudged my way upstairs and grabbed the nyquil. It usually doesnt do anything for me, ever. Because of this, I decided to up my portion a little. I took 1 and 1/4 th of a cap full, forgetting that I had already taken an IBuprofen and an actifed.

It did put me to sleep, I'll give it that much. But I woke up around four in the morning and sat straight up in bed, and wondered who had force fed me a hundred gallons of pure helium. I sat there, staring into the abyss, slack jawed and possibly drooling, wondering if I were actually seeing small creatures, or if i was hallucinating. Considering I sat there with my mouth open for quite sometime, i was thirsty and as I flew to the bathroom, I had a flashback to this video I saw on someone else's blog the otherday.

This is how I felt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs&feature=player_embedded

AND!

Forgive the title. They only give you so many characters. Nazis...

Today as I was driving to school, I was stuck in traffic behind a Honey Bucket truck. And while the name amused me because it made me think of Michelle Honey, who I dubbed Honey Bucket, it also very much frightened me.

Imagine being stuck behind two port-'o'-pots and the only thing separating the contents of said pots and myself is an unlocked door and a piece of twine. So, I changed lanes. I had always wondered where all of the, uh, contents went and I now realized that they are transported by what looks like a portable cement mixer. And I was now parked next to it.

All of a sudden I had this horrible image of some sort of natural disaster or freak accident that would cause the wonderful Vat 'O' Poo to come crashing down on me and Brunhilda. I would be covered in other people's poo. To be honest, what scared me more were the contents. I imagine there is poo, chunks of corn, vomit, urine. Those things are at carnivals so there are probably a few crappy- no pun intended- stuffed prizes, the possibility of gold fish, corn dogs, maybe even a small child.

I wish I had a moral for this story. I really do. I wish I could take this blog and make your day that much better but I can't. Besides, I have my own crap to deal with right now.

They try to make me go to rehab, i say no..no..no!

2009-05-19T14:53:00.000-07:00

Awww man. Last night was a blast. After feeling the epic need to ditch the house for a few hours, I headed north in good ole Brunhilda and decided to kick it at Allie's place. Actually, we need to come up with a better name for that apt. I will accept suggestions.

I cannot honestly remember all of the events that happened, but it went along the lines of:
1. Olive Garden. And when the waitress asked if we were celebrating anything, I said "yes. Our friend Spencer just finished rehab. The hostess was very sweet when she congratulated him. EPIC WIN FOR ME!

2. Swimming. Gross pool. Very cold. Followed by Cold Stone and shocking confessions from the other roommate about how much ish she stole from Macy's.

3. Truth ball! Just random questions like "boxers or briefs?" or "best date ever?". It was a nice way to get to know everyone.

4. Spence and Denise went on a 7-run. I gave Spencer the challenge of finding the grossest things there. He found a porno, condoms, and male enhancement drugs. Mad props.

5. From about 1 AM to 330 AM we did nothing but laugh. Hard. I'm hoping to have video up soon. Essentially, we didn't sleep until 6 in the AM, then woke up and immediately went swimming. well, I guess we should say looking for a pool. we went to 4 different pools before we found the right one.

GREAT QUOTES:
"...I get an ass full of toilet juice." -Me, on my brothers leaving the seat on the toilet up and me falling into it.

"I'm not a dick-measuring tool." -Spencer, on how boys are stupid.

"Denise can Rasturbate like crazy!" -Bex

There are more but I can't remember them. Let me know if you guys can.

Ouch...

2009-03-10T16:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I said "fail" earlier to Tube Tuesday. I lied fan(s). I bring you a fail of epic proportions. Had I seen this person, I would have said "no...it is NOT a good idea to use nun chucks while on a skateboard."

But he doesn't have a Jenna No in his life, apparently. Poor bugger...

On a good note, we almost had our first No submission today! Hilary managed to almost catch a picture of a girl wearing a long white tshirt, platform skate shoes (I didn't even know that those were in existence) and white leggings. I have to be honest people. In my book- er, blog- leggings are a BIG EPIC NO!. Leave 'em in the eighties where they belong.

So thank you to Hilary "Fun Enhancer" Wilcocks for almost getting that. Remember No-ers, if you see (or do) something stupid, I want to see it too!

Tube Tuesday!... Fail.

2009-03-10T12:44:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, its Tube Tuesday, but I will be honest. I couldn't find anything. I had two videos in mind, but both of them are no longer available, which makes me sad. One was hilarious.

But, I do have a nice No moment for you. Well, I'm not sure if it's a No moment, but it embarrassed me just a mite.

Today I was in the cafeteria, and I chose a table nearest Hilary's job so that when she got a chance, she could come over and chat. Well, said table was smack dab in the middle of a group of tables occupied by boys. I went on over to Hogi Yogi to pick up my delicious BLT (I heart black pepper bacon) and made my way back to the table to notice my purse, which I had set on a chair.

Sticking out of my purse like a flag of surrender was a tampon. A giant, super-absorbent tampon.
Yoinks. That's something that would happen to Melissa.

Well, No-ers, I hope you have a wonderful day. Please, bear with me a little longer. As soon as life happens, I will let you know.

Well, Howdy.

2009-03-09T14:25:00.000-07:00

I have one fan now. That is pretty sweet. I have decided to transition the site a little bit and just give it a theme. ish. I want to do a mix between my own personal rants, an advice column, and fail blog. ( Seriously, check that blog out. It's pretty darned funny. )

But mostly, I want this to be a site that embraces the "no" side of life. For all those times you have ever witnessed anybody make a complete fool of themselves (whether or not they knew it), seen an advertisement, commercial, or (my favorite) an outfit that made you want to stop, put your hand on their shoulder Aunt Mildred style and just say "Oh sweetheart...no." This is what I am about now.

One year ago today (guesstimate) I was on stage during Little Women helping change the batteries in the head mics when I broke it. Most of you who know me know that this is what I do best. But Dr. K., that wise old coot looked at me and said the greatest words ever uttered in my presence* (other than "Dinner is ready") that went something like this: "No, Jenna. Jenna, no. She thought she was Japanese for the first 15 years of her life. Jenna NO!"

The name kind of stuck for awhile, and now I have decided to embrace it. So please, embrace me. Leave me all of your "no" pictures, phrases, antics and shennanigans**, and together, let us make this a "No" world.

*- there is still room for these words to take second place against "Hi, I'm from Publishers Clearing House."
** Keep it PG-13. My grandma reads this***.
***Ok, no she doesn't. But she should.

Ok readers!

2009-02-25T14:42:00.000-08:00

I actually dont know if I have any followers anymore. My computer at home is virus ridden and, for some reason, won't access blogspot. So, if you're interested in some random stories, check out my facebook notes. I just tend to write witty (or witless) stories from my life, things I run into, or spend an entire paragraph wondering why I'm not nearly as funny as the Grammarphile or The Big Bags. But alas, I give you the best of Jenna!

Shut up and Drive 30- Jan- 2009

So, today, I was coming out of the school parking lot and I saw this car here. I know nothing about cars. Nothing. But the license plate said chevell and it was marked with an SS on the back, and it looked pretty vintage, so Im assuming this is a nice car.

Again, I know nothing about cars. But I saw this car and I know this car was hot. The engine made this nice rumbly noise and the only thing I could think was "Chick Magnet." It was hot.

Then I looked at the driver, who was also pretty hot. I plan on tagging a few boys in this note so they can tell me if this is a nice car or not, so I wont go into too many details, but ladies, lets just say that you would not bring this boy home to mama. Or daddy for that matter.

So, here's my point. Hot car, Hot man-boy. What could go wrong?

Gentlemen, here's a tip: if you are studly, and drive a studly car, and plan on giving a studly roar of the engine, make sure you're aware of what is on the radio. Classic rock, new rock, hip hop, Mika, Bright Eyes, hell, even country is acceptable. Did Chevelle Man get that memo?
No.
What was he listening to?
Beautiful by Christina Aguilera.

Ouch.

Plenty more where that came from folks! Just stay tuned and be patient, but be sure to wet your appetite on my facebook.

What Do You Do With A B.A. in English?

2008-07-24T21:15:00.000-07:00

So, its been like a month since i updated this last. there have been some major changes in the last few weeks as far as...everything. Ive decided not to go to Utah State, and instead Ill be going to Utah Valley University. Its cheaper, and I can still keep my job, and the Literary Studies classes are a lot cooler and better than what USU had to offer. So, Im a Wolverine. and Im back to wearing green and yellow. good thing I still have all my high school stuff, eh?

Secondly, Ive changed my major and minors and what not. some of this happened awhile ago, but I havent really mentioned it, I dont think. My major is Literary Studies, or Literature. Im no longer doing a theatre minor, because even though I love it very much, its just not something I could see myself doing in the long run or really supporting myself on. So ive decided to possibly minor in english education, or perhaps double minor in that and history.

Thirdly, Im really excited about this one, Im going to judge the state competitions for We the People... If you dont know what that is, its something I competed in in high school. Its a political science class, and the competitions are mock ongressional hearings, similar to mock UN. except here, youre judged on your knowledge of the US constitution, founding philosophy and the philosophy of the government, as well as how they interact with current affairs and the supreme court. So, im really excited to be a part of it again.

fourthly. Im moving again. Were moving to Salem to be closer to JTs new high school and because my parents dont like living in suburbs. Usually I hate moving, but now Im kind of excited. Its not like I have any friends here or any really strong ties or anything. And Im kind of bored anyways.

Well, im off to bed. I have to be at work early. Drive well sleep carefully.

Death Cab for Cutie=Amaz-za-zing

2008-05-27T20:23:00.000-07:00

So this is going to be a long post, me thinks. So, Wes' party was Saturday night, a reunion thing. I got there about five, played some apples to apples, and watched The Truman Show with everyone. Aft that, at about 1130, Chris decided to leave, and then everyone else after that. So out of like the 15 people that were there, by the time we got to poker, there were only three. I won one game and Wes won the other, and I tried to go to bed at about 130 since I had work. But I couldnt sleep and ended watching some weird thing about the pineal gland and sacred geometry and spiritual awareness, and went to bed for real at 3.

I love these pictures. Were playing I Have Never, and then Wes decided to do Ryans fortune with A2A cards, and Ryan, obviously, is not happy with that.

It was my first day of work at Victoria's Secret, and I love job, except for all the standing and stuff. We dont really get breaks, but we can go sit whenever we want in the back pretty much, if theres nothing to do. So, I get home, say hi to my grandparents that are here for my brothers graduation tomorrow, and then go to sleep. So, with the extra people in my house, were all playing musical beds pretty much, and my mom and I are downstairs on the couches and such. My mother sleeps with every light in the house on and the TV going at full. I sleep in the dark and in the quiet. What does this mean? I essentially havent slept in 3 days.

Well, last night was the Death Cab For Cutie concert. I pretty much forgot about it completely until midnight the morning of. This is a fun story.

When I left the house, it was pouring down rain, and I was thankful that I remembered to wear real shoes. I forgot a jacket but my little brother had left his in the car, so it worked out. Chris and I got there at about 430, 445. Neither of us knew that it was an outdoor arena, and so Chris didnt bring a jacket and its still raining and its freezing. The couple behind us decided that they didnt want to stay that badly, and offered to sell us their tickets for 20 bucks apiece, and they threw in an umbrella. So, Chris and I called Wes and Derek, the only reason being that they were right down the road and they liked the bands.

So, this thing was scheduled to start at 5, and it didnt end up starting until like 8. O yeah: it was a grass theatre and we werent allowed to bring in lawn chairs. So, after the 1st band went I told Wes that I wanted to be in the front, and boy he got us there! Not all the way, but like 5 or 6 rows back. One of the bands couldnt perform, so know one knew that it was DCFC up there until the opening notes for "Bixby Canyon Bridge" started. It was such an amazing show!! They sang most of their new album except for the one song I wanted to hear, and they did "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" which shut everybody up. They are really really good live. All in all, I knew every song except 2, which I was ok with, and when they closed with "Transatlantacism" I thought my life was complete. The only way it could have been any better was if they had fixed one of their amps, and played "Tiny Vessels" then "Transatlantacism" then "Passenger Seat" like on their album. I will definitely be seeing them again and again. I felt bad for Chris though. He only knew one song, and with the show starting late he didnt get home until probably 1230 and he had to be up at 6.

Can I just say, I love this band? Hearing them live made me fall in love with their albums again, especially Transatlantacism, which will always hold a special place in my heart.
*sigh*
Ok. Ive wasted enough of your time.

I could not love a human baby more than I love my CDs...

2008-05-20T12:10:00.000-07:00

So, last thursday, after my kidnapping attempt- key word there being attempt- Ryan says he bought us all tickets to go see Prince Caspian at midnight. So I got to his house right after work- I love my job by the way!- and we chilled there, watched The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe, and then got to the theatre at like 1130. Just to recap the events in between.

1. first Chris and I argued because we werent sure whos car to take. He says mine is always messy, and I say his is too small. He wins, we take his car. This is important later in the story.

2. Ryan and I argue because he has no frigging clue HOW to do a midnight showing. Youre supposed to show up hours before, eat a bunch of junk food in line, and play fun games. Example: xmen3 we watched both movies in line, in the rain. We all dressed up. amazing!

3. After so much bickering between Chris and I, Nicole and David decide to ban us from sitting next to each other in the theatre. So Chris and I start acting like 3 year olds begging mommy, telling them "we'll be good, we promise!" So this ends in a pact between Chris and I that for a full 24 hours, we would say only nice things. For the most part, this worked, with only a few slips. mostly from Chris.

So we go, watch the movie, everything is all good. We get back home and I sleep on the couch where Im later awoken by Ryans cat gnawing on my eyebrow like its a frigging chew toy.

So, Im on my way out, Chris is walking me to my car, and he's like "See? I told you it was messy!" Evevrything was pulled out of my glovebox, the drivers side seat was all the way down, all of the stuff in the back seat was thrown everywhere, and someone tried to break into my trunk. Note: IT WASNT FRIGGING ME! Someone broke into my car. They didnt take much except some change from the cupholder, and my moms perfume. They didnt even touch the stereo, or the faceplate, which alone is like 300 bucks.

Happy birthday to me...

2008-05-14T21:40:00.000-07:00

So, today was the best birthday Ive had in awhile. It started with me being hopelessly depressed because its my birthday. Its just depressing. I didnt have any plans or anything. My parents woke me up and said HB to me, but it was 645 in the morning and just no. Theres nothing happy about that hour. at about 930 my dad asks me to wait downstairs because he needs me to sign for a package. at 945, I thought everyone had forgotten me.

At about 11 all of the birthday wishes started coming. Adam, Paul, Charlotte, Kelsey. No Jess, Chris or Ryan. I didnt expect Chris to remember actually, because he got his wisdom teeth out yesterday, so not only is he dumber, but hes in pain and on Loratab. I cant even remember my name when I take that stuff. Ryan never remembers ANYTHING! Jess...theres no excuse. (foreshadowing, perhaps?)

At 12:19, Chris calls me, which is a shock since, well, wisdom teeth. He started singing HB Marilyn Monroe style. Funny? yes. Awkward? You bet. Sweet? Extremely.
So we talk for an hour or so, conversation dwindles in an awkward way, and I go to the mall to get the new Death Cab For Cutie CD and to get clothes for work. (I start at Victoria's Secret tomorrow) While Im out, I decided to pop in on Ryan, since he lives down the street. I get there and I wait...and I wait....and I WAIT for him to get home.

When he does, he informs me that Chris is on his way down and theyre taking me to lunch. well, now its dinner. I had no idea of this, as it was supposed to be a kidnapping, and what I did was the equivalent of just riding shotgun in the pedophiles van. So, Ive already eaten, so we went to Olive Garden anyways, and it was nice just to hang out with them. We had like THE coolest waiter ever. Chris and Ryan made them sing happy birthday to me. Im still embarassed...

Afterwards we went back to Ryans house, watched the sun set from Ryans fabulous view, watched the deer and the fox. Chris and I spatted, and then broke out into song, and spatted some more.

I got home, and there were roses on the table and a teddy bear waiting for me from the florest. Hi, Im an idiot. I realized literally just now that that was the package my dad needed me to "sign for." Im a bleeding retard. I text Jess and tell her thanks for remembering my birthday, and she tells me that she thought today was the 13th. LOL!

So, it was a GREAT day. And thanks to everyone who sent me birthday wishes.

Wait...what?!

2008-05-01T18:46:00.000-07:00

Its the first day of May. you know that sying april showers bring may flowers? lies. They bring snow. more disgusting, wet, sickly white crystals of snow. In may. ridiculous much?

Poor Chris. Last night everyone decided to go buy dish soap and just go to town. He got some in his eye and he was so miserable I was torn between laughing and crying. He looked retarded and in pain at the same time. He couldnt walk the like 5 steps between Ryans bedroom and bathroom. I had to lead him there. Hes better now.

I found out we had like 80 dollars left in our club account and im like lets go buy dinner for everyone! so we bought 65 dollars worth of mcdonalds. Guess who feels gross? This gal.

Movie night at Belindas. Im pretty excited. Its one last night with everyone, but I dont think Im going to stay all that long. It looks so surreal outside right now. :)

Chocolate and Cheaters

2008-04-28T20:12:00.000-07:00

Well, last night Chris and I got into a bit of a chocolate war. I got home from my parents house, and I realized i cater to that boy too much. He said he wanted chocolate chips to make cookies because he was craving something sweet. He was on his way to rehearsal and what do I do? I bake him a frigging cake. (Thats the one I baked for his Bday, i just wanted a visual.) He comes back, starts eating the frosting as Im trying to frost the thing, so I almost attack him with frosting, and he almosts takes revenge. So, then he runs off with the frosting and I grabbed it smeared some on his face, and then all hell broke loose. He grabs me from behind and starts wiping it on my face. Eventually, sharpies came into play and he gave me a unibrow and wiped more frosting in my face, and then we attacked Ryan because he started singing the wedding march.

One acts were last week. I played Truvy in "Steel Magnolias" It was fun and I think Im a pretty good actress actually, so its definitely something I want to pursue. I got to wear my hair in curlers all day. I had to go out in public and everything. It was pretty awesome, actually. Chris and Allie were in the same scene, and Allie was smoking hot. Really. She got to wear fishnets and everything. And now Chris is cheating on me with her. I have proof.

Today we had the closing social for Alpha Delts/Theatre Dept. I actually got to really talk with Dr. K. Earlier in class, he looked at me and said that if I didnt get my Ph.D. it would be a waste of my intelligence and that he would be disappointed in me. It wasnt the only time he said it, either, he mentioned it throughout the day. I actually believed him, and now I am going to get my Ph.D. Im not sure in what, but he said either English, Theatre, or Lit. Im going to go with Lit or Theatre I think.

I love the smell of Napalm and Downey in the...late afternoon?

2008-04-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

Well, Im pretty sure that Chris is upset at me. It all goes so far back...
For Christmas last year, Chris and I decided to get Ryan a prank gift, consisting of his picture placed inside a dress (from when he was 6 and his cousing let him be the "wife" when playing house) which was placed inside a birdcage (from a text a friend sent me that stated "I wish I could place Ryan in a birdage so I could have him sing me awake every morning." She is no longer a friend due to mental instability and all out weirdness) It was presented to Ryan, massive freakouts ensued, and life when on. The next week I was presented, from Ryan and Chris, the Declaration of DEpendence. (From my love of all things politics) Again, freakouts insued, especially after I realized it was "signed" by Hilary Clinton, John McCain and other idiots. Ryan and I however, never got Chris back. depressing, yes?

Well, Chris' family was up here a few days ago and Addison informed me that Chris has had the Wii for like 3 weeks and never invited me to play. So I decided it was time to take action. Since Chris hates Disney's High School Musical so much, I decided that it was time he got a new room decoration. :)

Amazing yes? Im waiting for retaliation, but I dont think that he has anything. Nothing but finals going on out here, and then graduation next week. Right now, Im off to do laundry in the decrepit machines downstairs. You know the washing machines that the Flintstones had? It was like some weird dinosaur or something? Yeah, that prehistoric thing worked much better than the ones downstairs. I even think theyre the same age. Those coin operated things are the bane of my existence. Onward Pilgrim!

Schools out...almost :(

2008-04-21T13:01:00.000-07:00

I forgot how much I love blogging, and LaraLee got me hooked on it now.

So, Im here in Ephraim, waiting for school to let out, then its off to home for a few months before Im up at Utah State for more snow, more classes, more stress and more drama. But its someplace new, and that alone is exciting. I wish I didnt know anybody up there. How exciting would that be? To not know a single soul, to be completely lost in a foreign space. Youre not confined to the
boundaries people have already set up for you, youre not confined to anybody at all. It would be amazing.

There isnt a lot going on out here, just school and finals starting next week. gross. I have a lot of essays to write that I havent yet. I am essentially living on a diet of tater tots, coca-cola, stress, and procrastination. It tastes good going down, but coming up is horrible.

Eveyone was complaining last night at the state of our dormitories. I have to admit, Im living in a craphole. My toilet seat wiggles, and other than myself, its the most awkward thing Ive ever experienced. Ryan's bathroom does not have a fan, and the ovens and stoves have been known to, on occasion, shoot up randomly into flames. I have an orange couch that smells vaguely of feet and cat urine, and last week, housing decided to turn off our heaters- the day before it snowed. Its either freezing cold or a temperature hot enough to make people in Hell sweat.
The place is literally welfare housing. I have seen cockroaches that live more luxuriously.

I love it. I tried to explain to everyone that this is the struggle that makes us who we are. Revel in the crap, and we will be stronger. I dont think they understood me.

I love tater tots...

Tonight, we have the Carmina Burana concert, and that should be exciting. Chris' family is coming up and I havent seen them in like 4 months. I miss those guys.